


I Love You (Why Can't it be Me?)

by BremenBunny



Series: Extra One Shots [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, M/M, One Shot, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love, it's so one sided, like seriously, that deleted scene from the avengers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-23
Updated: 2013-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-24 09:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/938440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BremenBunny/pseuds/BremenBunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky's gotten ahold of SHIELD's files, the ones Steve had access to, and decided he wanted to do a little digging around himself.  As he expected, all that was left of their time - his and Steve's - is a broken mess of "Deceased", "Retired", and painful memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Love You (Why Can't it be Me?)

**Author's Note:**

> Well. Emotions started to kick me in the face after I watched that deleted scene with Steve looking though the files, so I decided to (belatedly) write a fic of it to assuage my grief. I've never wanted to cry so much in my life.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr! [anconeus.tumblr.com](http://anconeus.tumblr.com)

It was a damn sorry sight to see.  

The campy narrator saying shit like, "He'll knock the Axis on their backses!".  His own surprising absence in the reel.  The fact that they were able to get cameras into the field, let alone get close enough to show the Hydra symbol in all its brief glory.  All of it made Bucky want to scream, tear the place apart with his bear hands.  But then what would Steve think?  That he's not stable enough to have a blast from the past, to relive all the pain - 

Of course, he would never be ready to scroll through his memories without feeling a bit of unadulterated rage.  Steve's goofy expression in all the close-ups only mollified his mood a little bit.

When he got back, that goofy expression was nowhere to be found.  It was all hard lines and stern looks with Steve, who had brought him in for questioning.  To be fair, at the time, Bucky was the Winter Soldier and was trying to kill him.  And didn't that bring up a bucketfull more of pain he wasn't ready to deal with.

Only months after Fury had cleared him had Steve entered his room with a shy smile on his face, holding up a box of yellowing papers and a single laptop.  Steve had said, "We're only going to do this if you feel okay with it."  He wasn't okay.  Bucky said as much a beat later, returning the smile weakly and patting the empty space on the bed.  "Let's just... talk.  The weather was nice today.  No chitauri showers."  His friend had groaned, "You read up about that?"  How could he not?  It was almost the only thing he had access to when he was feeling nosy.

Enough with the clips.  It was all fine and dandy when Steve had opened the laptop, eyes gleaming like a child, showing him how to work the thing.  "So, how long did it take for you to get the hang of it?"  Bucky had drawled, enjoying the blush that creeped its way up Steve's neck.

The sepia was starting to hurt his eyes, and no, he was not tearing up.  He used his good arm to delicately pry open a file and flipped through its contents.  

Morita: DECEASED.

Dugan: DECEASED.

Carter... Hey, Peggy was still alive!  Bucky itched to ask Steve about it.  There was no doubt that the lug had visited her right after finding out she was still kicking; the address and telephone number were staring him in the face as if daring Bucky to at least give the woman a call.

He couldn't do it.  Of couse he couldn't.  

Even if he did, what was the use?  The outcome would only be even more depressing.  Since Carter had been only human, unlike either himself or Steve, she would have to be, what, around 90?  Bucky didn't think he could handle seeing her in such a state.  He wondered if Steve had been able to.

He continued looking through the file. Stark: DECEASED.

Last page.  Another Stark.  Would you look at that.  Stark Jr. had made his way into the classified government files.  The page was considerably whiter and had a more current layout.  Tony Stark was... pouting up at him from the page, his mug pasted over a shot above of the suit.  

It was depressing, not having any more files to look through.  But it was nice to not have to see any more "DECEASED" stamps slapped onto detailed reports.  There was always that.

He went through a few more pictures of the Howling Commandos and pictures of just himself and Steve together.  They made a handsome pair, even with the black-and-white filter covering the image.  

After a while, he couldn't stand to mope around any longer and got up, gathering the things into a box.  He almost tripped over Steve's old Eisenhower uniform which fit him so perfectly.  Almost too perfectly, but Bucky didn't let his mind go on that track for very long.  Steve was just his friend.  His very best friend, yes, but still.  There were boundaries.  

Stark had been nice enough to let Bucky room with Steve although he should have just stayed with SHIELD.  The Captain had insisted, "No, trust me, he was going to set up a whole floor for you, Buck," but he had always been one to trust too quickly.  Besides, staying with Steve was much more than he could ever ask for.  He could be close to his best friend and that was all that really mattered.

He set the box of things down in front of Steve's door and grabbed his keys off the counter.  Within minutes he was on his way to the cafe on the far side of town, where Steve had supposedly met this nice girl who he ended up dating.  What was her name?  Betty?  Something like that.  

Bucky had to admit, he liked new New York.  It was way busier and noisier, which was perfect for drowning out his more probing thoughts.  He could do without all the traffic, though.  

At the cafe, he was seated at an outside table with a view of some tall buildings and a heck of a lotta sky.  In no time at all, a dainty-looking waitress came up to his table.  

"What're you having?"

"Just some coffee.  Please,"  Bucky added, remembering what Steve said about manners.  

"It'll be right out.  Hey, you remind me an awful lot of..."

Here it was.  This lady was going to out him as an internationally feared assassin with no context whatsoever.

"...this guy I met."  Oh.  So no cover blown.  Yet.

"Sounds like a pickup line if I ever heard one," Bucky chuckled, not entirely sure where she was going with this line of thought.

"No, I'm sorry, that did sound a bit strange, didn't it?  There was a guy who came here a couple months ago, drawing and looking at the skyline like he was watching for the big guy."

"Uh... the 'big guy'?"

"You know, Iron Man?  The guy I was talking about didn't understand, either.  Funny, huh?"  Bucky laughed half-heartedly, hoping the woman would either get to a point or get his coffee soon.  

"You guys even look kind of the same.  I mean, like, the way you carry yourselves, you know?"

And Bucky did know.  It all clicked suddenly:  She was talking about Steve.  She was Betty-or-whatever.  He could see what Steve saw in her.  The way she moved, prim and proper in this day and age, with her hair in a curly little updo.  It all screamed apple pies and sunshine, but that wasn't Bucky's thing.  His thing was more like America itself, big, strapping, carries a star on his chest and arm...

It was a mistake, coming here.  "On second thought, could you make the coffee to go?"

"Why, what's the rush?  We have free wireless."

"Don't have a phone on me, sorry."  Bucky retorted, slightly confused.  

"Well," the waitress smiled.  "That's one thing you don't have in common."  She turned and sashayed back inside the shop, leaving Bucky to wonder what the hell had just happened.  He was still thinking about it when he was delivered his coffee, by someone notably not as apple pie and sunshine as his last waitress had been.  He payed in cash and left a generous tip, snatching his coffee cup off of the table before booking it out of the cafe.

It was starting to rain as Bucky rode out the bumpy subway ride, his coffee cooling in his hand.  He had forgotten the sugar.  He refused to drink his coffee without sugar, what with his sweet-tooth and all.  Several times the liquid threatened to spill over the rim, and each time Bucky had used his sheer force of will to keep it in.  He finally squeezed his way out of the car as soon as the train arrived at his stop, cup raised above his head to make more room.  

The rain had grown into a full downpour by the time Bucky reached aboveground and he had nothing to protect himself with.  He simply ran as fast as he could down the streets, almost slipping when he made a turn.  As he approached the tower, he could make out a large figure holding two umbrellas standing still in his path.  He could see it was Steve and was glad for both the company and the shelter from the rain.  

"Thank goodness for super soldiers, huh?  Back in the day you would'a had an attack if you were caught out here as long as you've been."  Bucky chided fondly, opening the umbrella with a soft  _foomp._

"Where have you been?"  Steve asked, never one to mince words.  "Down at the place where you met Betty.  At least I think that's what her name was."  Bucky said, concentrating on the sounds his boots were making in the rain.

"Betty?"  Steve looked at him in confusion.  "Oh, you mean Beth?  She say anything to you?"  Right, so that was her name.  Not that Bucky cared.  

Okay, so maybe he did care a little out of jealousy.  

"Yeah, her.  Said she reminded her of you, kinda, the way we were looking at the skyline or something.  She said something about Iron Man flying by once in a while and, uh... wireless?"  Bucky punctuated the end of the sentence with a questioning raise to his voice, obviously confused.  Steve blushed slightly.  

"You didn't say 'radio', did you?"

"Of course not, Rogers.  We're livin' in the future, now, ain't we?  She was obviously talking about our phones."

His blush went a shade deeper.  So that's what Beth mentioned.  

Bucky refrained from making fun of Cap, but only because he was taking extreme pity and thought it was adorable that Steve would even say that.  They reached the tower and shook their umbrellas off, leaving them at the door.  "Welcome back, Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes."  JARVIS droned at them, sliding open the doors for them to enter through.  

"I hate it when he does that.  Doesn't it make you feel all wonky inside?"

"Unlike some people, I appreciate decorum."  Bucky could tell Steve was amused by the little twitch in his lips.  Stop staring, he told himself.  Boundaries.

 They got into the elevator in companionable silence, Bucky too tired to really say anything anyways.  Steve spoke up as he input the code to their room.  

"Couldn't help but notice you looked through the stuff today," he said, being too restrained to sound sincere.  

"Yeah, it was burning a hole through my closet.  Had to look at it today.  It was actually kind of why I went to see Beth, too."

"And why's that?"

"I'll take the new memories over the old any day, Cap, even if it means making them myself.  By the way, Beth isn't anything to look at."

"What do you mean by that?"

"She just isn't... special, you know?"

"And what would you know, after meeting her today?"

"Plenty."  He knew nothing, actually.

"I'm sure.  And you care because...?"

Bucky didn't have an excuse that didn't sound like he was coming onto his best friend, so he let Steve continue.

"Anyways.  If you're really so worked up about her, don't be.  We broke up yesterday."  Steve said nonchalantly, so much so that Bucky was gaping at him.

"You're not torn up about it?"

"Nope.  Aside from saving her life a few times, we really had nothing together."

"Uh huh."  Bucky nodded absently, wondering why in the hell anyone would ever let such a sweet guy like Steve go.  He also wondered who broke up with who, and considering Steve's apathetic state, it was probably for the best.  Not that Bucky was complaining. 

"Well, good to hear you're coping, buddy.  I'm going to go for a few rounds in the gym before packing it in.  You should get some sleep."  Bucky tried not to let his voice sound too strained while trying to escape.  He needed some time alone to calm down, bury his feelings for another decade or so.  

"I will.  Good night, Bucky."

"Good night, Cap."

\---

One day, Steve came up to Bucky, asking, "What do you think about Tony?"

"He's a swell guy.  Why?"

"Good, because I wanted your approval before trying out anything close to a relationship with him."

Bucky chuckled weakly.  "Yeah, gotta get my blessing before trying something new, huh?"

Steve laughed in a way that made everything seem alright - that is, until Bucky remembered Steve was only there to ask if he could court Stark, of all people.

Really, although he wouldn't admit it aloud, the only person he would ever approve for Steve was himself.  Too bad Steve's happiness wins out against his own.

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to add some notes down here - I might make a sequel, but honestly, I wrote this at 4 in the morning. I don't actually remember the process. Whoops.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr! [anconeus.tumblr.com](http://anconeus.tumblr.com)


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